All hail Aussies

[{GDIC}Gandalf]

What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?

Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.


What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.


Why do birds fly upside down over Australia?

It's not worth shitting on.


Why was the Christ child not born in Australia?

You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less a virgin!!


What do you call a field full of Australians?

A vacant lot.


An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were in a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry "I am doing this for my country.....". The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words. Then the New Zealander ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed him out of the plane and cried "I'm doing this for my country.....".

Most Australians aren't too good at history. For example, they think Gandhi's first name was Goosey Goosey.


How do you define 144 Australians?

Gross stupidity.


The Aussie pilot, when asked for his height and position, replied, "I'm 5'11 and sitting in the front seat".

What do you call an Aussie who scores well in an IQ test?


A cheat.

An Aussie is proof that God has a sense of humour.



What do you call an Aussie with half a brain?

Gifted.


If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?

The blonde - the other two don't exist.


How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the Smarties.



What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you.

Pull the pin and throw it back.



Did you hear about the Aussie who had a brain transplant?

The brain rejected him a week later.


What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians?

At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.


An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"



What does an Australian girl use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.


Newsflash!! Paul Keating's library burned down at the weekend and two books were destroyed! The real tragedy was that he hadn't finished colouring in one of them.

There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.


An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.


What has ten thousand legs and four pubic hairs???

A nikki webster concert.

[silentshot]

Hey mate im an aussie lol even tho pretty much all that is true dont go dissin us lol trust me us aussies could take about 4 years and come up with about 5 bad stuff on you yanks lol :D *no hard feelings
whispers *bloody yanks* :twisted:

[{GDIC}Hangman]

Q. How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.



Three baseball fans are walking home from a game at friendly Fenway Park.
One is wearing a Red Sox cap, the second one is wearing an Indians cap, and the third one is wearing a Yankees cap.
As they are walking down Commonwealth Avenue, they see a pair of legs sticking out from under a bush. Upon further inspection, they find that it is a totally naked dead woman.
A crowd starts to gather before the police arrive, so they decide to give the woman some vestige of dignity. The first one places his Red Sox cap over her left breast. The second one places his Indians cap over her right breast. The third one places his Yankees cap over her crotch.
The police arrive to investigate. The detective picks up the Red Sox cap for a moment, takes a quick look, writes a few things in his notepad, then puts the cap back on her breast. He picks up the Indians cap, takes a quick look, writes a few things in his notepad, then puts the cap back on her other breast. He picks up the Yankees cap, takes a quick look, starts to write in his notepad, but stops and scratches his head for a moment, with a puzzled look on his face. Then he kneels down real close, sticks his fingers in the womans crotch, spreading it open and staring.
Now one of the baseball fans yells at him: “Hey, what are you some kind of pervert?”
To this the officer replies: “Oh, no, of course not. I just need to double check because every other Yankees cap I’ve ever seen had an @SSHOLE under it!”

[{GDIC}Hangman]

There were three american burglers. One night, they decided to make a
heist at the bank. So that evening, they put on their black
shirts, black pants, black shoes, ski masks, etc. They quietly
snuck to the bank, and broke in. Too bad the alarm went off. So,
they ran. They came to a garbage dump, and went off to find
hiding places. All three of them crept into bags, and waited.
The police finaly came to the garbage dump, and split up to look
for them. One officer came upon a burgler (hidden in the bag, of
course). "Hey, Joe!" cried the officer, "I think I found one of
'em!" So he kicked the bag to make sure. The burgler, thinking
fast, whispered "meow". "Oh, never mind. It's just a cat. Keep
lookin'! So, they kept looking. Another officer came to the
second burgler in a bag. Thinking fast, the burgler went "Ffft!"
So, thinking it was a cat, the officer went away. Now, the third
burgler was a tad stupid(like all americans are). When the officers came to him, an
officer kicked the bag. The burgler whispered, "Pootaatoooos

[silentshot]

lol that definitely true :D

[Khraven]

you guys into black jokes?



why is beyonce alyways singing 'to the left, to the left'?

because black people ain't got no rights.

gandalfs favourite song?

[{GDIC}Hangman]

I SAY BANN THIS CUNT FOR DISCRIMINATION

[silentshot]

Fkin rascist prick bugger off

[{GDIC}justkill]

heres some.

3 guys held at gun point, one by one, blindfolded and ready to be shot at, by a firing squad. First of an American, with his great ammount of common sense he had, he thought he needed a distraction, so right before they shot at him he yells TORNADO, the firing squad looks away as he galantly escapes, second guy was an Asian and he thought that the americans idea was great, so before they could shoot he yells TSUNAMI!!! Everyone looks away as he escapes. 3rd an Aussie steps up and hes thinking to himself i can do the same, so right before the words steady, aim he yells FIRE!!!! noone looks away....
...poor aussie.


A group of people got there plane hijacked and was taken to a remote dessert. The terrorist told them they got 2 options, die by gun point, or released free after being injected with AIDS, everyone except an Aussie chose to be shot. Aussie whispers to the person next to him, there crazy i cant get AIDS, for the first time i wore a condom!!!


3 guys camping together, an american , an aussie, and a European man. They slept next to each other in that order. Upon waking up, the american and European discussd a similar dream they had during the night, they both said that they felt like they were being jacked off. The Aussie man stumbles into the conversation and laughs and says, U guys are nuts, i had a wonderful dream, i dreamt i was Skiing!"

A hawaiian guy ( haha me) invites in Aussie to Hawaii for some hiking. Us hawaiians didnt realize how intelligent Aussies were. While hiking The hawaiian realized that the Aussie brought a car door with him, so he asked whats it for, Aussie replied Incase it gets hot, i can role the window down. BRILLIANCE!!


Heres one for the married: How many housewives does it take to change a light bulb? NONE LET THAT BITCH COOK IN THE DARK!!!


Heres one for America;
An american walks into a bar, gets piss drink til he cant see straight(reminds me of some1). Bar tender cuts him off and sends him home. He grabs his keys and heads to the car. Not a second later He runs back, screaming to the bartender, QUICK CALL THE POLICE!!! The front of my car got stolen, the steering wheel the cluster, the ac the dashboard all missing!!!
bartender rushes to the phone as the american walks out to examine again the crime scene, not a second later he comes back and yells! nevermind!!! i sat in the backseat by accident.


AND the last non racial joke;
A slightly bumbed man walks into a bar. accompaning him was an ostrich and a cat.
Bartender asks, what will they be having, Guy says scotch double, ostrich says margarita, and the cat says just water, no ice.
at the end Bartender tells them that will be 15.00 dollars. guy reaches into his pants and pulls out the excat amount. This goes on for quite a while and everytime the bartender gives them the bill, he pulls out the exact amount. So the bartender stops the guy and asks whats the deal. Guy replys he had gotten 3 wishes, his first wish was anything hew bought he would have the exact amount. Bartender questions what about the bird and the cat? Guy says easy those were my 2nd and third wish. I wished for a Chick with long legs and a TIGHT pussy.


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." *"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "Seagull shit fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook..."


i love pirate jokes!!!

[Khraven]

Ban me hey?


Why don't you laugh when you see an abo riding a bike?

Because it's probably yours!

[{GDIC}Gandalf]

:lol: *:lol: *:lol:

[{GDIC}Luke]

http://www.youtube.com/v/sYCP4OnhOAo&hl=en&fs=1

[Khraven]

Sorry GDIC. I won't post anymore racist jokes, I just thought you guys were into them :)

Do you guys play COD5?

[=GDIC=huiyu22]

some do

[{GDIC}Gandalf]

Fixed your utube link Loki. Good one... *u still continue to amaze me with your finds * :lol: :lol: *:lol:

[{GDIC}Gandalf]

I have cod5 but *at the mo I am in a protest mode * *:lol: *:lol: , the game sucks ass, very poor pre-release testing and no support *:evil: .

[{GDIC}Luke]

Fixed your utube link Loki. Good one... *u still continue to amaze me with your finds * :lol: :lol: *:lol:


haha, thanks :)

[LilProNoob]

Lol nice jokes hangman

[{GDIC}Hangman]

A yank walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"


__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________


There are these three americans in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

__________________________________________________ _______________________________________

These three american teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

[{GDIC}Hangman]

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead

__________________________________________________ ___________________________________

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."

The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.

__________________________________________________ _________________________________________

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

[Jagdpanther]

lol good jokes!